by Alexander Cromer

Two large windows stretch themselves out from the textured white surface of my ceiling downwards to a cold and blue tiled floor. They look outwards into suburban Amsterdam; the livable stacks of cinder blocks that rise from the flatlands like mini-babels, trees like tufts of knotted hair, canals like the veins of a slumbering behemoth, and in the distance  clouds like an ethereal cityscape in a sky that is just beginning to open herself up after the prudish months of winter. 

It is warm, it is sunny,  and as me and my windows look out into the sea of reality we observe others sitting on their balconies and porches inhabiting a digital landscape via computers and cell phones. What could they be looking at with so much intensity?

Photos of their cousins or nephews or their great aunt Gertrude? 
Crisp and organized Excel sheets? 
The latest report on global warming and how its affecting our global sociopolitical atmosphere? 

Its possible, but I tend to imagine that they are looking at something a bit more lascivious. Something that speaks to our inherent need for intimacy, connection, and vigorous exercise.  This can only mean one thing:

they are all looking at porn. every single one of them. 

Of course, this is more fun to imagine in the U.S., my homeland and a country with the ambivalence of a gay pubescent Mormon in Utah.  This is a country whose political leaders are both vehemently opposed to same sex marriage but can be found on Grindr, a country whose president is a cheeto dusted sexual offender and no one seems to care, a country wherein only 13 states require sexual education to be medically accurate, a country that loves suppressing its own sexuality but drives the majority of traffic to sites like Pornhub and xHamster.

However, it is also thanks to those very sites that sex, sexuality, and self pleasure are becoming less of a taboo. Granted the porn industry has its share of negatives (i.e. unrealistic representations of women, rampant racism (ever notice how black men are  portrayed in porn? Shits fucked up but I watch it anyway cause brotha’s gotta look out for each other), the perpetuation of patriarchic and capitalistic values), but I’m pretty damn sure there is one particular site that is leading the way in reclaiming and redefining pornography.

enter: pornhub.

Yeah, thats right, fucking PornHub. Let me rap on this real quick:

Its a site that clocked 28.5 billion visitors last year and averages 81 million (over twice than YouTube) visits per day, a site that encourages their members to explore, share, and delight in their own sexuality thus creating a thriving community of content creators that have uploaded 5,052,543 videos in 2017 (thats like, 68 years worth of content in one year, like if I wanted to give up everything and do nothing but watch porn nonstop I’d be 101 years old before I finish watching all the videos that were uploaded last year, SHITS RIDICULOUS!), a site actively engaged in philanthropic endeavors, sexual health, fashion, and (previously) music.

Additionally, since YouTube tightened their content policies in light of the recent epidemic of gun related violence in the U.S., gun owners have been experimenting with Pornhub as an outlet for their second amendment hard ons. I mean, there is a whole SFW (safe for work, for all you newbies) category that contains non-pornographic videos (its more like a section of references than actual porn, there is a video of a lady eating 10 meals, a video of a woman using judo to beat the shit out of some poor sap, etc.). I mean, PornHub is in a position to become the most visited and philanthropic social media platform that no one ever talks about. 

So, where the fuck am I going with all of this? 


There is more to this story of course. But you’ll just have to wait for chapter two cause suspense or whatever. In the mean time, here is a gif of Drake topping a pizza: